A grief journey is a lonely road even with caring and loving family and friends nearby. It's a journey too deep for words that must be traveled alone. The emotions and feelings a widow experiences are so deep, she often cannot find the words to adequately explain the depths of her pain. Only the widow who welcomes God on her journey will find that He understands, and she's not truly alone after all. Although no one else will ever fully understand what she is going through, that's okay. It's not about understanding; it's about caring.

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." James 1:27

Grief Is Complex

First, it's important to remember that grief is complex and different from person to person. If a widow was a long-time caregiver for her husband, her grief journey might have begun months before he passed away. Much of her grieving may have already been accomplished before his final departure, so her deep grief may seem shorter than someone whose loss was sudden. If a new widow tries to distract herself from her grief by working excessively or filling her days with mind-numbing entertainment, this will more than likely prolong her grief journey. It's healthier to embrace grief and feel the pain fully.

The length of a grief journey is not an indicator of how much a widow loved her husband. Of course, the health of a marriage does play a role in how a widow grieves, but it's not necessarily a determining factor for how long grief will last. Just because a widow had a lousy marriage doesn't mean her grief is less painful than one who was happily married. I know a woman who was married to an alcoholic husband, sometimes even wishing he would die. But when he finally did pass away years later, she grieved for a very long time. And she never spoke a mean word about him, as though she'd forgotten all the hurt his addiction had inflicted.

Personalities most assuredly play a role in how a person grieves. Extroverts may need people around them while introverts need time alone. External processors need people to talk to while internal processors need solitude to think.

As I said earlier, grief is complex. It's complicated. So allow each widow to grieve as long as she needs to, and don't put pressure on her to get over it. Grief isn't something you get over any more than you can get over an amputation. It is something you must learn to live with. So give a widow all the time she needs to adjust to her new life.

How Can the Church Help Widows?

1. Recommend a local Griefshare group or start a Griefshare group in your church. Shortly after the loss of my husband, a friend wrote to me and told me how much Griefshare helped him after the loss of his wife a year prior. I had never heard of Griefshare, but I was desperate to figure out how I could move forward for the sake of my children and grandchildren. This bit of advice gave me a place to start. Since my husband died at the end of September, the holidays were fast approaching, and I had to figure out how I could best face the holidays without my husband beside me. Griefshare has a special class called Surviving the Holidays, which I highly recommend.
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2. Give a book about grief and also one about heaven. Giving books is a great idea. A widow can find comfort and even learn to move forward by reading helpful books when she is ready. I recommend Singled Out For God's Assignment by Leona Choy. There are many other good books, but this one stands out above the rest for me.
   
   The Bible says, "And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope," 1 Thessalonians 4:13 NIV. The more we learn about heaven and the promise God made to us, the more comfort we will find. Give widows in your church a book about heaven. I recommend, Imagine Heaven by John Burke.
   
   I also recommend my book, Facing Tomorrow Without You, which will help widows feel understood and find hope as the days and months progress. She will be able to relate to my grief journey and feel less alone.
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3. Provide a widow's Bible study or fellowship group. This will only work if you have several widows in your church who would like to fellowship together. It would probably be most helpful if a long-time widow leads this group. The meeting should be interactive and include group discussions so widows can get to know each other and hopefully bond. New widows usually have to fill lonely hours they used to spend with their husbands, so providing fellowship is usually helpful.
   
   I attended a widow's Bible study the first year of my grief journey. What I found most helpful was the day the leader of our class invited us all to her home for a potluck lunch. As we sat around the living room and kitchen with our plate of food on our laps, the discussion turned to practical concerns like how to get rid of annoying groundhogs that keep digging holes in yards. I was completely engaged as I listened to practical advice on the topic of rodents. You see, my husband used to take take of these types of problems. I didn't know where to begin. This is one of the reasons why a fellowship group for widows can be very helpful. Our conversations often veer in the direction of typical manly chores we are forced to accomplish now.
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4. Call a new widow and ask specific questions. Don't ask her how she's doing? She won't know how to answer that question. Her emotions vary from hour to hour, and she's mostly not in touch with her feelings. She's just surviving at this point. Instead, ask her to meet you for coffee. Invite her to go for a walk with you and set up a time. Invite a group of girlfriends to go to a movie, and include your widowed friend. She will be happy to know you still think of her, and it will give her the opportunity to do something that doesn't remind her of times with her deceased husband since he wouldn't have attended a girls movie night anyway. Never ask a widow to call you if she needs anything. You will never hear from her. Instead, offer suggestions and set times to meet up.
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5. Her first time back to church is terribly difficult. If a widow misses a few Sundays after the death of her husband, please be patient and give her the time she needs before she can return to church. This is one of the "firsts" she will have to face without her husband. It will be the first time she enters your church as a widow. Her heart will be raw, and she will be one trigger away from tears. If she cries, cry with her. Give her a hug. If she cries during the service and you are beside her, discreetly hand her a tissue or pat her hand. Most of all, pray for her. Don't focus other people's attention on her. Church can cause us to be emotionally vulnerable on our best day, let alone on her worst. She has done one of the bravest things imaginable today—forcing herself to take a big step forward.
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6. Remember her "firsts". For the first year of a widow's loss, remember her in a notable way as she faces those special occasions for the first time without her husband. This doesn't have to be expensive. Just find a way to help her feel loved on her first birthday without him, their wedding anniversary, Valentines Day, Christmas, his birthday, etc. It doesn't have to be for all those occasions. I'm just giving you some ideas. You can send a card, flowers, a gift, and or some other kind gesture. Just knowing you thought of her will make her feel loved on those difficult days.

What Not To Say

Never tell a widow that her husband is now in a better place, or he's healed now. Such sentiments aren't comforting for several reasons. When you say that, what a widow hears is, "He's in a better place, so that should help you stop grieving." Of course he's in a better place, but the point is, she ISN'T there with with him. She's not grieving because he's in a better place; she's grieving because he's no longer here with her. The two are completely different issues. If she could be in that better place with him, she'd be doing great. Instead, she's stuck here without him, and it hurts. She isn't crying because he's in a better place and is no longer sick or hurting. She's crying because she misses him. She's crying about something this sinful world took from her. And she misses him more than she ever realized it was possible to miss someone.

What Can You Say?

Tell her how sorry you are for her loss.
Tell her you can't even imagine how painful it must be to lose a husband.
Tell her you love her.
Tell her you are praying for her.
Tell her how much you admire her strength.
Tell her you miss him too and be specific. What do you miss about him? It's comforting to know he hasn't been forgotten.

Most of all . . . LISTEN. Let her talk to you when she's ready to do so. And whatever she shares, tell no one else. Be her confidant.

When will her grief journey end?

God's Word and His presence in our lives help us to heal. Time is a healer too. A widow's grief becomes lighter with time. How long that time will last, no one knows. For some, one year is enough, while others might grieve for eight or more years. Give a widow as much time as she needs to process her grief. With the passing of time and good grief processing, the weight of grief becomes easier to bear. The waves of grief hit farther and farther apart and are less overwhelming than at the beginning.

Remember that as long as she loves her husband, she will miss him and grieve his loss. I had lunch with a widow once who had lost her husband over forty years ago. As she told me about him, her eyes filled with tears. She still loved him, so she still missed him. The reality is, since love never ends, grief never ends either. The grief journey gets easier, but it never goes away completely.